I’ve said before that I usually plan things up to two years in advance, that I’m patient and can see my plans through. It seems this time I can’t really do that. And even if I could, I’m not trying. No, for once I’m taking things as they come.
Why? I don’t know, really. For a change perhaps.
One time, while I was still in Kirkland, I really wanted a pizza. Not just any pizza. I wanted Piecora's New York Pizza in Bridle Trails. Unfortunately without a car and with ridiculous suburb bus routes, I had to walk three miles to get there. It’s a long walk, but it’s no problem for me, not just because I’ve gotten used to walking over the last few years, or because I used to be a long distance runner (though the endurance training helped).
The walk was no problem because I saw the pizza in my mind and I could taste it. And I knew with each step I took, I was getting closer to what there was no substitute for. That pizza was what I wanted. And I walked the three miles and I got what I wanted.
Ok, so like, that was the first time I went. But the second time I did this, something occurred to me during the walk. Like, it’ll be great when I get there and have my pizza…but on the other hand, what’s the point of walking this distance if I’m not enjoying anything along the way?
Getting into the JET Program was a year-long process. Some people couldn’t or didn’t want to wait that long so they went to Japan through NOVA or the like (poor saps). Sure, they got there faster, but JET would have been a lot better.
I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say here...um... Everything until now was simple. I could make my long-term plan and stick to it. It gave me something to look forward to so I’m never stagnant. And that’s part of who I am and what I feel compelled to do.
But it’s starting to take a toll on me because in all this planning and working towards what’s ahead, I never (and I have never) enjoy(ed) the present. And I’ve missed out on a lot because if things in the present disrupted my plans for the future, I’d have nothing to do with them (the things in the present, I mean).
People are telling me different things about what I should be doing now. And this not long after I had the realization that the less I listened to others about what I should do, the happier I was.
When I sat down to write this post, I just wanted to say that I’m looking into teaching positions in Seattle and Tacoma while I wait to hear back about international student advisor or study abroad advisor positions I’ve applied for. So maybe I can stick it out and stay in Seattle.
But the point is, here’s my point, dude…The point is I don’t know what will happen. I can’t plan it. With JET and teaching overseas, the doors opened easily, and maybe I made the mistake of believing I was in control of where went and what I did. And now I’m in a place where the doors don’t open so easily so I may have to go with the flow a bit.
I can’t make doors open. I can only knock on them and hope someone answers. But if they don’t, I’m just not sure how long I can stand around, in spite of how patient I am.
But I would wait, if it were inevitable and only a matter of time, as JET was. But it just doesn’t seem like it this time. I guess we’ll see. Maybe I just need something to do while I’m waiting.
Looking at my options, the teaching thing might be my best option right now, and it’ll let me stay in the area. There were a lot of things I liked about teaching even though I never felt very good at it. If the advisor positions never come through, I think I’d enjoy teaching. But if I were accepted into an advising position, I’d take that. ...But part of me doesn’t want to make another two-year plan (If the position were out of state).
I don’t know what will happen and I don’t want to think about it. I think and I plan too much. At some point, I’d like to realize an opportunity when it’s there…not in hindsight as I usually do. For once, I’d like to enjoy the present. I don’t want to walk to the end of my life and not know what to do when there’s nothing more to walk towards.
Wednesday
A change in the wind (Part 2)
This is a bit of a callback to the post I wrote in Season 1. It’s kind of interesting to read now what I thought then. I wrote A change in the wind nearly a year ago when I was still in Taiwan thinking about what I would do in Seattle and how long I would stay there since at that time I was of the thinking of taking life in one-year chunks.
I don’t know. A lot has changed in short amount of time since I’ve returned to the States. And doing something different or moving someplace different…or even the idea of doing that…every year or so is starting to seem tedious. And as I mentioned in some recent post, I don’t really feel like going on another adventure…like, overseas.
But I still feel that need to move towards something. Another goal. The next thing. And I’m considering also, the things that are tying me to Seattle. And I’m thinking now that maybe there are only a few things holding me here. And one of them is that research project I left mostly finished just before leaving for Japan on the JET Program.
I’m going to be going up to Bellingham later this week to finally finish up my undergraduate project and tie off that loose end of my life. I just thought I’d rather do things in a different order, like, you know, get a job first and get settled, then go up and finish the project. But I’m just getting fed up with this thing hanging over my head.
And the thing is, I’m thinking if I can get this finished, then maybe I won’t feel quite as confined to Seattle. ‘Cause here’s the thing. My ESL job ends on Wednesday, then I’ll be going to Bellingham, then I’ll be going to Virginia to see my family, then I’ll come back in time for Aki Matsuri (Japanese Fall Festival). After that, things seem pretty open-ended as to where I could go or what I could do next.
Well, I’m kind of getting sidetracked from the reasons I’m writing this post. Basically, I’m trying to move away from the attitude of “when you know something is going to end, you appreciate it more”. I think, for once I’d like to stick things out for longer than a year or two…well, no. That’s not quite it. I guess I mean, I’m trying to change my attitude about feeling the need to change things on a yearly basis.
The other reason I wrote this sequel, is that I want I want to take on the good attitude I had when I wrote “A change in the wind” and remember the lesson I learned from Japan and put into practice in Taiwan.
I was in a period of darkness for the better part of a year in Japan before getting out of it. And I’m certainly in a period of darkness now. Although the reasons for my current state are completely different than when I was in Japan, the principal is still true. I need to move out of it and on to something else. I don’t want to be in my current state for that long.
Anyway, that was my point. So, I mean, some things are the same and some things are different since I wrote that post. So, I was just reflecting on it as a way of helping me get out of my rut. So, yeah. I know the right answers on what to do…it’s just…Well, things take time. I’d be lying to you if I said that I wasn’t completely miserable right now. But I want to get myself to move on.
Hmm…I probably could have written this post a little better, but…oh, well.
I don’t know. A lot has changed in short amount of time since I’ve returned to the States. And doing something different or moving someplace different…or even the idea of doing that…every year or so is starting to seem tedious. And as I mentioned in some recent post, I don’t really feel like going on another adventure…like, overseas.
But I still feel that need to move towards something. Another goal. The next thing. And I’m considering also, the things that are tying me to Seattle. And I’m thinking now that maybe there are only a few things holding me here. And one of them is that research project I left mostly finished just before leaving for Japan on the JET Program.
I’m going to be going up to Bellingham later this week to finally finish up my undergraduate project and tie off that loose end of my life. I just thought I’d rather do things in a different order, like, you know, get a job first and get settled, then go up and finish the project. But I’m just getting fed up with this thing hanging over my head.
And the thing is, I’m thinking if I can get this finished, then maybe I won’t feel quite as confined to Seattle. ‘Cause here’s the thing. My ESL job ends on Wednesday, then I’ll be going to Bellingham, then I’ll be going to Virginia to see my family, then I’ll come back in time for Aki Matsuri (Japanese Fall Festival). After that, things seem pretty open-ended as to where I could go or what I could do next.
Well, I’m kind of getting sidetracked from the reasons I’m writing this post. Basically, I’m trying to move away from the attitude of “when you know something is going to end, you appreciate it more”. I think, for once I’d like to stick things out for longer than a year or two…well, no. That’s not quite it. I guess I mean, I’m trying to change my attitude about feeling the need to change things on a yearly basis.
The other reason I wrote this sequel, is that I want I want to take on the good attitude I had when I wrote “A change in the wind” and remember the lesson I learned from Japan and put into practice in Taiwan.
I was in a period of darkness for the better part of a year in Japan before getting out of it. And I’m certainly in a period of darkness now. Although the reasons for my current state are completely different than when I was in Japan, the principal is still true. I need to move out of it and on to something else. I don’t want to be in my current state for that long.
Anyway, that was my point. So, I mean, some things are the same and some things are different since I wrote that post. So, I was just reflecting on it as a way of helping me get out of my rut. So, yeah. I know the right answers on what to do…it’s just…Well, things take time. I’d be lying to you if I said that I wasn’t completely miserable right now. But I want to get myself to move on.
Hmm…I probably could have written this post a little better, but…oh, well.
Sunday
The House
I’m standing in front of an old house, made of unpainted, dark wood. It’s on a hill. It’s daytime. My friend drives up to the house. She’s driving a station wagon. I haven’t seen her in a long time. I’m happy to see her. I think, “Since she’s here now, I don’t have to wait til later to visit her.”
Inside the house. It’s old. Two or three stories. My friend isn’t there. I panic a little. But I remember in the past, I never had to look for her. We always found each other. So I trust it will happen again.
I go upstairs. They aren’t stairs, but an escalator. It’s like a department store, but the interior is still the same old wood as the rest of the house. At the top of the escalator, there is an entry to the left. I walk into the room.
It’s a large room. There are clothing racks with clothes haning on them. I see her. She is picking out clothes to buy. I’m relieved. We leave the house.
She packs the station wagon. She drives away, down the hill. She’s gone.
I’m standing in front of the house. I walk back in.
It feels dark inside. In the room, there is a small table with a red sofa near it. Everything is dusty and old. There is a presence.
A little girl is standing next to the sofa. She’s wearing a dress. She’s a ghost. She says she needs my help. She says there’s another ghost in the house…upstairs. She needs me to help her escape.
I turn to look around me, in case the other ghost is there. As I do, I notice that the girl starts to change. She grows taller. Her face becomes hideous. When I turn to face her again, she slowly changes back. I realize what’s happening. There is no other ghost.
I don’t remember what happens next.
Inside the house. It’s old. Two or three stories. My friend isn’t there. I panic a little. But I remember in the past, I never had to look for her. We always found each other. So I trust it will happen again.
I go upstairs. They aren’t stairs, but an escalator. It’s like a department store, but the interior is still the same old wood as the rest of the house. At the top of the escalator, there is an entry to the left. I walk into the room.
It’s a large room. There are clothing racks with clothes haning on them. I see her. She is picking out clothes to buy. I’m relieved. We leave the house.
She packs the station wagon. She drives away, down the hill. She’s gone.
I’m standing in front of the house. I walk back in.
It feels dark inside. In the room, there is a small table with a red sofa near it. Everything is dusty and old. There is a presence.
A little girl is standing next to the sofa. She’s wearing a dress. She’s a ghost. She says she needs my help. She says there’s another ghost in the house…upstairs. She needs me to help her escape.
I turn to look around me, in case the other ghost is there. As I do, I notice that the girl starts to change. She grows taller. Her face becomes hideous. When I turn to face her again, she slowly changes back. I realize what’s happening. There is no other ghost.
I don’t remember what happens next.
Tuesday
A change in the wind
When you know something is going to end, you appreciate it more.
Recently, I've been feeling more of a pull to stay in Taiwan longer than a year. On the other hand, I've been feeling a stronger pull than ever to return to the States, much stronger than I ever felt when I was living in Japan (in some respects, anyway). Let me explain.
Before I left for Japan, I knew that I'd be staying there at least two years (and that's how long I did stay there). But a few months after I recontracted for my second year (around late spring in first year), I entered into, well, darkness. I hated Japan, hated my life there, and enjoyed nothing. And worst of all, the end seemed nowhere in sight.
It took 5-6 months to leave that darkness, but about halfway through my second year, things got better. I started to socialize more and started to enjoy my life more. And I think a large part of that... In fact I know it was mainly because the end of my time in Japan was coming near. (I even said I'd never return.)
As I've mentioned in posts before, I want to make sure I remember what I learned in Japan while here in Taiwan. Though, some lessons learned are more difficult to apply here, mainly because of the difference in...Well, just the differences, period (I'll explain what I mean in a second). But after Japan, I decided that I'd take things one year at a time, as far as overseas jobs go. Not gonna commit to two-year blocks. One-year blocks ensure that the end is always in sight.
But as for the differences between my life in Japan vs Taiwan, well, it's one difference. In Japan, my life outside of work was convenient and nice, but my work life was miserable. In Taiwan, just the opposite. My life outside of work is miserable but my job is wonderful.
Well, I'm getting a bit off-track here. Anyway, why the change in the wind? Let's forget what I said two posts ago. That was just venting. Remember that one or two posts before that, I said things were resolved and I was looking at the positive aspects of the coming six months. Some things are worth more than money.
I won't repeat all the positive things because I've already posted them, but I will add to the list. Well, I guess there's just one thing to add to the list. It seems that in spite of my lack of confidence as a teacher, I'm doing something right. My students (of all ages) seem to unanimously like my classes. Some of my adult students have expressed to my managers their refusal to have another teacher, even if one is available.
(A lot of workers like to believe that they are the pillar of the company and that if they left, the company would fall apart. I know better than to think that way, as I have worked for companies long after fired employees said that, and the company kept on going. Still, it's nice to have positive feedback and know that you are making a contribution. Something I rarely felt in Japan.)
So with this kind of job satisfaction, what's the rush to get back to the States? Supposing my life outside of work got better? Would I still only be enjoying Taiwan simply because I know that I'll only be here one year? Well, in part, yes. As I've mentioned before, my schedule is quite exhausting, and I don't have weekends. The thought of slugging through this for another year is discouraging, and could cause me to fall into that misery I felt in Japan.
However, the other thing that runs through my mind is what happened when I returned to the States from Japan. That is, I felt I had plenty of time (the rest of my life, really) to be in America. The rest of my life. There was that feeling of permanence. That the end was nowhere to be seen. And wasn't that the problem in Japan? So what do I do? This will likely happen again.
As I mentioned, though, I am being pulled towards America. I am being asked by my friends (more now than when I was in Japan) when I'll be coming back. Also, my professor at Western (WWU) has contacted me about finishing my research project. The timing of one year in Taiwan seems much better. It seems perfect. I knew before I came here that this would be my last overseas venture. And it seems now that I will be able to place myself back in Seattle and pick up where I left off. Something I wasn't able (or didn't want) to do when I got back from Japan. In that sense, what good can a second year in Taiwan do?
When you know something is going to end, you appreciate it more.
Recently, I've been feeling more of a pull to stay in Taiwan longer than a year. On the other hand, I've been feeling a stronger pull than ever to return to the States, much stronger than I ever felt when I was living in Japan (in some respects, anyway). Let me explain.
Before I left for Japan, I knew that I'd be staying there at least two years (and that's how long I did stay there). But a few months after I recontracted for my second year (around late spring in first year), I entered into, well, darkness. I hated Japan, hated my life there, and enjoyed nothing. And worst of all, the end seemed nowhere in sight.
It took 5-6 months to leave that darkness, but about halfway through my second year, things got better. I started to socialize more and started to enjoy my life more. And I think a large part of that... In fact I know it was mainly because the end of my time in Japan was coming near. (I even said I'd never return.)
As I've mentioned in posts before, I want to make sure I remember what I learned in Japan while here in Taiwan. Though, some lessons learned are more difficult to apply here, mainly because of the difference in...Well, just the differences, period (I'll explain what I mean in a second). But after Japan, I decided that I'd take things one year at a time, as far as overseas jobs go. Not gonna commit to two-year blocks. One-year blocks ensure that the end is always in sight.
But as for the differences between my life in Japan vs Taiwan, well, it's one difference. In Japan, my life outside of work was convenient and nice, but my work life was miserable. In Taiwan, just the opposite. My life outside of work is miserable but my job is wonderful.
Well, I'm getting a bit off-track here. Anyway, why the change in the wind? Let's forget what I said two posts ago. That was just venting. Remember that one or two posts before that, I said things were resolved and I was looking at the positive aspects of the coming six months. Some things are worth more than money.
I won't repeat all the positive things because I've already posted them, but I will add to the list. Well, I guess there's just one thing to add to the list. It seems that in spite of my lack of confidence as a teacher, I'm doing something right. My students (of all ages) seem to unanimously like my classes. Some of my adult students have expressed to my managers their refusal to have another teacher, even if one is available.
(A lot of workers like to believe that they are the pillar of the company and that if they left, the company would fall apart. I know better than to think that way, as I have worked for companies long after fired employees said that, and the company kept on going. Still, it's nice to have positive feedback and know that you are making a contribution. Something I rarely felt in Japan.)
So with this kind of job satisfaction, what's the rush to get back to the States? Supposing my life outside of work got better? Would I still only be enjoying Taiwan simply because I know that I'll only be here one year? Well, in part, yes. As I've mentioned before, my schedule is quite exhausting, and I don't have weekends. The thought of slugging through this for another year is discouraging, and could cause me to fall into that misery I felt in Japan.
However, the other thing that runs through my mind is what happened when I returned to the States from Japan. That is, I felt I had plenty of time (the rest of my life, really) to be in America. The rest of my life. There was that feeling of permanence. That the end was nowhere to be seen. And wasn't that the problem in Japan? So what do I do? This will likely happen again.
As I mentioned, though, I am being pulled towards America. I am being asked by my friends (more now than when I was in Japan) when I'll be coming back. Also, my professor at Western (WWU) has contacted me about finishing my research project. The timing of one year in Taiwan seems much better. It seems perfect. I knew before I came here that this would be my last overseas venture. And it seems now that I will be able to place myself back in Seattle and pick up where I left off. Something I wasn't able (or didn't want) to do when I got back from Japan. In that sense, what good can a second year in Taiwan do?
When you know something is going to end, you appreciate it more.
Sunday
Killdeer vs. the Rock (not the wrestler)
Much stronger than the crab.
People say that time heals everything. But supposing time doesn’t mean anything to you? Then what good is it at healing? Well, but it’s not really the time that heals, it’s just time allows you to forget. But what if you can’t forget? Well, then it’s going to be with you always.
I’d mentioned throughout Season 1 the lessons I learned from Japan and tried to take with me into Taiwan. The main one being that I couldn’t be passive about my happiness. I had to decide how things were going to be. This, perhaps obviously, goes beyond just coping with living in different cultures, but relates to many things in life. But I’m also finding some limitations in simply deciding how things are going to be.
It’s generally accepted that passiveness is easy to fall into. It really takes no effort. Don’t make conscience decisions. Let other people make decisions for you. Don’t try to change things. Just let them stay the way they are…or let them change by themselves. Passiveness is the lowest energy state.
So if that’s true, it should also be true that to fight or prevent passiveness takes effort. You have to make conscience decisions. You have to try to change things and not accept the way they are. And so, it takes energy.
I’m not sure what the antithesis of passiveness is called, but using my handy MS Word thesaurus, “proactive” seems the best choice, but it sounds like I’m talking about something completely different. I guess other terms are “upbeat” or “positive”. Those seem better.
Anyway, passiveness and, um, upbeatedness can be applicable for our actions and/or how we view things in life (or attitude). And I mainly mentioned them with regard to attitude. Like with Taiwan. I went there, excited about how things were going to be. But then, they weren’t the way I thought they’d be.
Well, I won’t go into all this again, but basically, I decided how the experience was going to be. You know, changed my attitude. I don’t know if it’s momentum from the experience in Taiwan, or if I’ve been thinking this way for a while, but in any case, I’m finding passiveness harder to accept than to fight. I don’t think I was ever good at just accepting things the way they were.
But here’s the thing. I’m now seeing a difference between being passive and accepting the way things are. They’re closely related, but different. The difference is in attitude. Deciding how things are going to be depends on your attitude. Accepting things the way they are doesn’t. You can have any attitude with that, positive, negative, or neutral.
So then, the options become changing the way things are (proactive action), accepting the way things are (passiveness, independent of attitude), and deciding how to look at the way things are when you can’t change things (proactive attitude).
But what if there is a more grounding truth? Something that is true no matter how you “decide” to look at it? And you can’t change it… All that’s left is to accept it. But as a person who is generally against accepting things as they are, well, this becomes a predicament.
There’s a huge rock in the sand. At first, I think I can move it. But that doesn’t work. So I try to look at it another way. But I can’t deny what is there. So I try to move it again. No use. Knowing my nature, my persistence and patience, it’s possible I could try again, if it was important enough. But what if it doesn’t want to be moved?
…
People say that time heals everything. But supposing time doesn’t mean anything to you? Then what good is it at healing? Well, but it’s not really the time that heals, it’s just time allows you to forget. But what if you can’t forget? Well, then it’s going to be with you always.
I’d mentioned throughout Season 1 the lessons I learned from Japan and tried to take with me into Taiwan. The main one being that I couldn’t be passive about my happiness. I had to decide how things were going to be. This, perhaps obviously, goes beyond just coping with living in different cultures, but relates to many things in life. But I’m also finding some limitations in simply deciding how things are going to be.
It’s generally accepted that passiveness is easy to fall into. It really takes no effort. Don’t make conscience decisions. Let other people make decisions for you. Don’t try to change things. Just let them stay the way they are…or let them change by themselves. Passiveness is the lowest energy state.
So if that’s true, it should also be true that to fight or prevent passiveness takes effort. You have to make conscience decisions. You have to try to change things and not accept the way they are. And so, it takes energy.
I’m not sure what the antithesis of passiveness is called, but using my handy MS Word thesaurus, “proactive” seems the best choice, but it sounds like I’m talking about something completely different. I guess other terms are “upbeat” or “positive”. Those seem better.
Anyway, passiveness and, um, upbeatedness can be applicable for our actions and/or how we view things in life (or attitude). And I mainly mentioned them with regard to attitude. Like with Taiwan. I went there, excited about how things were going to be. But then, they weren’t the way I thought they’d be.
Well, I won’t go into all this again, but basically, I decided how the experience was going to be. You know, changed my attitude. I don’t know if it’s momentum from the experience in Taiwan, or if I’ve been thinking this way for a while, but in any case, I’m finding passiveness harder to accept than to fight. I don’t think I was ever good at just accepting things the way they were.
But here’s the thing. I’m now seeing a difference between being passive and accepting the way things are. They’re closely related, but different. The difference is in attitude. Deciding how things are going to be depends on your attitude. Accepting things the way they are doesn’t. You can have any attitude with that, positive, negative, or neutral.
So then, the options become changing the way things are (proactive action), accepting the way things are (passiveness, independent of attitude), and deciding how to look at the way things are when you can’t change things (proactive attitude).
But what if there is a more grounding truth? Something that is true no matter how you “decide” to look at it? And you can’t change it… All that’s left is to accept it. But as a person who is generally against accepting things as they are, well, this becomes a predicament.
There’s a huge rock in the sand. At first, I think I can move it. But that doesn’t work. So I try to look at it another way. But I can’t deny what is there. So I try to move it again. No use. Knowing my nature, my persistence and patience, it’s possible I could try again, if it was important enough. But what if it doesn’t want to be moved?
…
Wednesday
The Wart’s lesson from the Pike (the largest fish in Sir Ector’s moat)
“There is nothing except the power which you pretend to seek: power to grind and power to digest, power to seek and power to find, power to await and power to claim, all power and pitilessness springing from the nape of your neck…
“…Love is a trick played on us by the forces of evolution. Pleasure is the bait laid down by the same. There is only power. Power is of the individual mind, but the mind’s power is not enough. Power of the body decides everything in the end, and only Might is Right.”
- The Once and Future King, by T.H. White
“…Love is a trick played on us by the forces of evolution. Pleasure is the bait laid down by the same. There is only power. Power is of the individual mind, but the mind’s power is not enough. Power of the body decides everything in the end, and only Might is Right.”
- The Once and Future King, by T.H. White
Monday
Superhero Personality Quiz
Your results:
You are Hulk
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You are Hulk
| You are a wanderer with amazing strength.  |
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