The destination vs. the journey (the future vs. the present)

I’ve said before that I usually plan things up to two years in advance, that I’m patient and can see my plans through. It seems this time I can’t really do that. And even if I could, I’m not trying. No, for once I’m taking things as they come.

Why? I don’t know, really. For a change perhaps.

One time, while I was still in Kirkland, I really wanted a pizza. Not just any pizza. I wanted Piecora's New York Pizza in Bridle Trails. Unfortunately without a car and with ridiculous suburb bus routes, I had to walk three miles to get there. It’s a long walk, but it’s no problem for me, not just because I’ve gotten used to walking over the last few years, or because I used to be a long distance runner (though the endurance training helped).

The walk was no problem because I saw the pizza in my mind and I could taste it. And I knew with each step I took, I was getting closer to what there was no substitute for. That pizza was what I wanted. And I walked the three miles and I got what I wanted.

Ok, so like, that was the first time I went. But the second time I did this, something occurred to me during the walk. Like, it’ll be great when I get there and have my pizza…but on the other hand, what’s the point of walking this distance if I’m not enjoying anything along the way?

Getting into the JET Program was a year-long process. Some people couldn’t or didn’t want to wait that long so they went to Japan through NOVA or the like (poor saps). Sure, they got there faster, but JET would have been a lot better.

I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say here...um... Everything until now was simple. I could make my long-term plan and stick to it. It gave me something to look forward to so I’m never stagnant. And that’s part of who I am and what I feel compelled to do.

But it’s starting to take a toll on me because in all this planning and working towards what’s ahead, I never (and I have never) enjoy(ed) the present. And I’ve missed out on a lot because if things in the present disrupted my plans for the future, I’d have nothing to do with them (the things in the present, I mean).

People are telling me different things about what I should be doing now. And this not long after I had the realization that the less I listened to others about what I should do, the happier I was.

When I sat down to write this post, I just wanted to say that I’m looking into teaching positions in Seattle and Tacoma while I wait to hear back about international student advisor or study abroad advisor positions I’ve applied for. So maybe I can stick it out and stay in Seattle.

But the point is, here’s my point, dude…The point is I don’t know what will happen. I can’t plan it. With JET and teaching overseas, the doors opened easily, and maybe I made the mistake of believing I was in control of where went and what I did. And now I’m in a place where the doors don’t open so easily so I may have to go with the flow a bit.

I can’t make doors open. I can only knock on them and hope someone answers. But if they don’t, I’m just not sure how long I can stand around, in spite of how patient I am.

But I would wait, if it were inevitable and only a matter of time, as JET was. But it just doesn’t seem like it this time. I guess we’ll see. Maybe I just need something to do while I’m waiting.

Looking at my options, the teaching thing might be my best option right now, and it’ll let me stay in the area. There were a lot of things I liked about teaching even though I never felt very good at it. If the advisor positions never come through, I think I’d enjoy teaching. But if I were accepted into an advising position, I’d take that. ...But part of me doesn’t want to make another two-year plan (If the position were out of state).

I don’t know what will happen and I don’t want to think about it. I think and I plan too much. At some point, I’d like to realize an opportunity when it’s there…not in hindsight as I usually do. For once, I’d like to enjoy the present. I don’t want to walk to the end of my life and not know what to do when there’s nothing more to walk towards.